Year of the Stumble

Today is my 24th birthday! and I am officially declaring the year ahead, the "Year of the Indomitable." In many ways I feel like this is my year to conquer and achieve, to actualize the things in my life that previously seemed unreachable, and to relish in the joys that come when you approach life in an unyielding manner.

I think that my 23rd year of life should be most appropriately called the "Year of the Stumble." I truly believe that there is nothing shameful in stumbling; whether you're stumbling out of an extremely difficult time, or you're stumbling because it's dark and you can't find your footing, or you're stumbling simply because you lost your balance. Whatever it might be, or even if there isn't a reason to it, a person who stumbles is a person who doesn't give up; a person who stumbles is a person who fights to gain their balance, even though they know that gravity (or any outward force stronger than ourselves) will most likely take over; a person who stumbles is a person who keeps their feet moving, no matter what obstacles stand in their way. Stumbling should be admired and commended, not hidden and forgotten or worse, treated like a lesser way to live your life. (I'm not saying that I want to aim to stumble through life, but when life gets hard, as it often does, there is nothing paltry or dishonorable in letting go of grace and poise for a moment in order to get your life back on track.)

The above lesson might be one of my favorite lessons learned during the "Year of the Stumble." I am a tiny bit obsessive compulsive (shocker, I'm sure), and my life was beginning to resemble that of a checklist, rather than that of a journey. Checklists can be useful, to take things one at a time can be productive, but I became so rigid in my checklist disposition that I lost sight of the missed opportunities passing me by. I would successfully complete a task on my metaphorical checklist and then move on to the next item, but what I came to realize about that mentality is that it didn't allow for growth; I wasn't allowing myself to reevaluate. If I was walking down a figurative path and then came across a different path, one filled with beautiful flowers that could, perhaps, lead me to an extraordinary view, I would 'tag it' in my mind and then diligently proceed with my current path, forcing myself to believe that I could always come back when I was finished with the current task, but I never actualized that thought. There is nothing wrong with diligence, it is an admirable trait, but I was using diligence as an avoidance tactic...to hide from the fear of advancing down a path that perhaps didn't lead to an extraordinary view. I want my life to be about taking chances and growing into a woman that I'm proud of, not playing it safe and becoming tedious or trite.

This year I also learned to LOVE my sexuality. When I came out, at 22, I embraced my sexuality, but I did not love that I was a homosexual. It was kind of like my feelings on running. I don't love running (I don't hate it, but I don't love it), but I go running because I want to live to see my someday-children grow old. I want to be the best mom I can be and that includes living a long, healthy life...which means getting up and going running. I don't love it, but I do it. In that same fashion, I didn't love realizing that I was gay, but I accepted it, and I even accepted it with open arms, because I wanted to experience the kind of love that moves mountains and I was never going to experience that kind of love if I forced that kind of love with a man. Women make me all tingly inside, men don't; I was well aware of who gave me butterflies and who didn't. I didn't love it, but I embraced it. And then, I started living my life as a gay woman. I came out (read: changed my facebook status...ha, jk, I don't have facebook), I added homosexual "slogan buttons" to my messenger bag, I started reading Portland's gay publication. (Everytime a new issue would come out I would pick one event from the publications calendar and then promise myself I would go to the said event; at first I went to educational events like seminars or book clubs, then I started going to the actual clubs, then I started going to events where you had to have an actual conversation.) I started having gay sex. I started writing a gay blog. And then I started really loving being gay. Having pride is one thing, and I had pride from the very early stages (assuredly because I am so narcissistic), but loving your sexuality is a completely different thing. It is freeing to love who you are. And what I love the most... is that I started loving my sexuality before I loved someone else.

I am not afraid to say that this year has been filled with my fuck-ups. I lost contact with friends I cared deeply about. I closed the door so firmly on Christianity that it will take years upon years to gain any kind of footing back. I spent more than a few Saturday nights at home, only because I, stubbornly, didn't want to hang out with one particular person. I let other people's opinions about my life get the better of me. AND today is a new day! Today starts the "Year of the Indomitable" and with my feet planted assuredly beneath me and a set of values in place to help illuminate my path, I'm ready to get this show on the road. Cheers to what will be a fantastic year!

P.S. Other people with my birthday: John Wayne, the first woman astronaut, and...drum roll please...Stevie Nicks. May 26th is a day that births cool ass motherfuckers.