Lesbian Trump Card

I often use my lesbianism as an excuse to invalidate my opinion in embarrassing or unsettling situations. I don't like confrontation, nor do I like to look confused, so I blame it on my homosexuality; when in reality, being a lesbian has nothing to do with my bewilderment of the situation. If I am having a difficult time grasping where someone is coming from, yet their opinion is doing no damage to themselves or anyone else, I'll throw down my lesbian trump card and the conversation is over. If I don't agree with someone else's life choice, yet I foresee no arguable reason why it would be the wrong choice for them, I'll keep my thoughts to myself through means of my "dyke-centric thought process" alibi. (I will absolutely speak up if their opinion or life choice is marginalizing, biased, unthoughtful, or just plain stupid; however, if it is harmless, I'll leave it to be.)

When I went to see Sex and the City with a group of girlfriends, I was certain that my friends would have hated the movie as much as I did. I was wrong. They all loved it, and they loved that Carrie ended up with Big. When asked my opinion, I muttered something like "How could anybody be happy marrying someone so hairy?... but I guess that's one more reason why I'm thankful to be a lesbian." When two very manly male study partners of mine asked me who I would pick to date, I said, "I like girls, so I'm going to pick whichever one of you is more girly... Do you still want me to answer that question?" When a straight friend of mine told me that she was moving to Alaska for a job, I said something like "I would never move there cause it's cold and I have a difficult enough time as it is getting girls to take off their clothes when it's not freezing, but boys aren't like that, so I'm sure you'll be fine."

I have a friend that graduated from the prestigious school that is NYU and my said friend never fails to share this fact about his life when trying to validate an argument he's making. Whenever we discuss politics or social issues, he throws his degree on the table as if it is a trump card and his opinion is more sanctioned than my non-degreed opinion. He should be proud of his degree and I don't doubt that he worked hard for it; however, he majored in dance. You can't use your degree to weight a political argument, when your degree is in dance. If we are talking about Martha Graham or where to place your arms in a pirouette, I will absolutely give him free reign to trump the conversation; but when we are talking about Fannie and Freddie or Feminism, his degree doesn't mean shit to me.

I have come to the realization that I do this same thing, just reversed. Being a lesbian doesn't mean shit when it comes to movie reviews and moving locations; yet, I allow it to mean everything. Instead of using my lesbian trump card as a way to validate my thoughts, I use it as a way to invalidate my thoughts, which is way worse. I thought that by always having my lesbian trump card handy, it meant that I was, somehow, more comfortable with my sexuality; in reality, it just shows that I was hiding behind it. It's not that I don't like Big because he's hairy; I don't like Big because he's condescending and doesn't do anything to help Carrie be the best woman she can be. It's not that I thought my friend would have a hard time getting laid in Alaska; it's that I am a bad long-distance friend and she's not a friend I want to lose contact with.

As funny as I might find my lesbian trump card to be, I'm not willing to let humor outrank integrity in my life. I'm not willing to let something that is so important to my identity become a vehicle for avoidance. I cherish being a lesbian; I feel lucky that I get to fall in love with/sleep with girls and that I get to be a part of, what I consider to be, a fantastic community. I consider my homosexuality to be a gift and I would never treat a material gift with that kind of disregard or indifference; so why do I let myself do it with a symbolic gift? There are times when my lesbian trump card is effective; like when two boys want my opinion on who is hotter or when my opinion will do more damage than good. However, when it is used as an avoidance tactic, it drains the moral fiber out of something that I really treasure. I am not willing to let my lesbianism be anything less than it can be, so I am going be more selective when dishing out my lesbian trump card from now on.

P.S. Did you know that the costume designer for Sex and the City, Patricia Field, is a lesbian? Do you know any lesbians that wear those kind of heels?

WHAMMY...

I recently ran into an old college classmate of mine and in the middle of our stale, half-assed conversation, the inevitable question arose..."Do you have a boyfriend?" I say inevitable, because I went to, perhaps, the most conservative, traditionalistic Christian college in the country, and whenever I run into people from that school and they take note of my vacant ring-finger, they inevitably believe that something is wrong. (I was not out in college, because I had no idea I had anything to be out about...but I'll get to that.) My answer to this question is always the same. "No...I don't like boys." I use this answer because it is concise, witty, and honest and I like that it puts the person on the other end of the conversation in charge of where the discussion goes. If they think that I am going to burn in a fiery pit of hell and they don't want to talk about, I don't want to talk about it either. If they think that my homosexuality is contagious and want to get out of arms length as quickly as possible, it is probably in their best interest for them to do so. If they want to ask questions because they are curious or want to know if I ever had a crush on them, I am happy to answer their questions.

Usually, the response to my clever coming out statement resembles something like "yeah, I had a feeling" or "I'm so happy that you were able to accept what we all knew" or, if you are my mother, "Thank God, I told everybody nothing was wrong with you!" (The very funny out comedian Erin Foley has a joke in her act about this very situation. Watch it!) Though I would rather receive these responses than a chair being thrown at my head or a lecture about Leviticus; it sometimes pisses me off, because I had NO FUCKING IDEA that I was a lesbian. When I was finally able to identify that the awkward, constant, overwhelming, nauseating, confusing, self-conscious feeling I was having was homosexuality, I accepted my lesbian label with open arms and (I must say, surprisingly) with very little religious guilt; however, not a second before my gay revelation did I have any sort of inkling that I was dyke.

The other day I was looking through some old pictures left on the kitchen table and let me tell you .... WHAMMY .... How the fuck did I not know that I was a lesbian? Here, let me show you...



This is when I won the state science fair in the second grade...for making a battery out of random things I found in the garage. WHAMMY.




This is when my family went to southern Oregon for summer vacation...and the only thing I wanted to do was drive giant ATVs across the sand dunes. WHAMMY.



This one doesn't even need an explanation. DOUBLE WHAMMY. (I'm not even that handsy in public at 23.)

I went to my senior prom alone and in a suit. I have never owned a pair of pantyhose, nor was there ever a time that I put on a ruffled dress without serious tears or flailing arms. I have never hesitated to make a situation more dramatic than it needed to be. I have never failed to know how a cord connects two things together or how to fix the television remote... but somehow, I had no idea that I was a lesbian.

Well, I know now and that is good enough for me.

P.S. In my defense, I am allergic to cats...

Reading Rainbows

“The more you read the more things you will know. The more that you learn the more places you'll go.” This brilliant quote is from Dr. Seuss’ book, “I Can Read with My Eyes Shut!” and when I was eight I used it to get out of trouble when I got caught reading with a flashlight in the middle of the night.

Like the good lesbian that I am, I love to read. In the past 10 years I have never left the house without a book, nor can I ever remember a time that I have given someone a present that they could not read. (For all you cynics out there, I stand by the opinion that a book is the perfect present; it is practical, cheap, and shows that you put in some thought.) When I came out to my very conservative and fundamental Christian father, I approached the situation prepared with a handful of books, all from different perspectives, and a PFLAG pamphlet. When my way too young, selfish, and financially unstable friend and her husband got pregnant, I sent over baby books and brownies. And when a young teenager asked me for some advice on her new-found-journey through undiscovered lesbian territory I took her on a field trip to the bookstore.

I rarely find myself proficient enough in a subject to give real, tangible, step-by-step advice, so I redirect people to books by means of my extensive literary knowledge. And when ladies approach me for advice on their new or questioning (or whatever word you would like to use) lesbian inclinations I recommend these three books…

1)"Same Sex in the City" by Lauren Levin and Lauren Blitzer.
This book is a collection of anecdotes categorized by different topics/steps in the lesbian lifestyle while at the same time offering witty and very useful advice. In what often is an uncomfortable, uneasy, and stressful situation in a young girl's (or adult woman's) life, the storytelling approach adds a calming and simplistic warmth to their journey. (The L Word achieves this same feeling through identifiable characters and situations that allow for crying and/or laughter; however, drama will naturally come to said lesbian, she doesn't need to be advised to seek it out.)

2)"Is It a Date or Just Coffee?: The Gay Girl's Guide to Dating, Sex, and Romance" by Mo Brownsey.
Finding a humorous and lighthearted book about girl on girl dating is like finding a gay boy that eats cheese. Lesbians, not to be stereotypical, tend to take the world of dating (or, let's be honest, everything) very seriously and Mo Brownsey's humor and lightheartedness is refreshing. This is the book that will answer all of those classic questions like who pays on a homosexual date or what do I do with my hands when I'm going down on a girl. It is brilliant and offers really good, sound advice. (Sexpert Diana Cage's book "Girl Meet Girl" is just as brilliant, but dirtier; make sure that you know your audience.)

3)"Out of the Past: Gay and Lesbian History from 1869 to the Present" by Neil Miller.
I always recommend that every lesbian, whether you are new to the scene or an old pro, read some sort of gay American history book. It is comforting to know that you get to be a part of a great community and is equally as important to know that people fought HARD and lost a lot. I always recommend this specific book because I respect that he doesn't apologize, rationalize, or downplay the history that the gay community has. (I knew my gay history quite well when I sat down with this book and on more than a few occasions I was shocked and/or nauseated, in the good way, when I read what Neil Miller’s extensive and unique research shows.)

There is a ton of fantastic gay and lesbian literature out there...but, don't take my word for it...

P.S. Did you know that in the original Star Trek:The Next Generation script Geordi LaForge was going to be gay? I read it on IMBD.