A Family Affair

I have a little brother. He and I are only two years apart, but in many ways it's as if we were born decades, if not worlds, apart. We know nothing about each other. We don't communicate. We are as opposite as...well, let's just say that night and day probably have more in common. It's not that we don't like each other; it's just that we don't have a connection and we never did.

I don't mean to play myself as a victim, but in many ways I was the outsider in my family. I was this awkward, dorky, nerdy child who was perfectly content to play by her own rules and my parents didn't know how and/or didn't try to connect with/identify with/understand someone who was perfectly happy operating outside of the conventional box they thought was oh-so important. Somehow, I never let my parents’ disapproval alter my behavior and I continued being my awkward, dorky, nerdy self. When I got older and truly started developing my own personality, I detached myself from "the family unit", it was just easier that way, and my little brother became an innocent bystander. It was never my intention to separate from him, it just happened.

This week I received an email from my little brother. (We haven't talked since Christmas) He is currently studying physics in England...he operates only in the world of numbers and hard truths, and in my experience with him, it's only through these things that he perceives the world. Here's what he wrote:

Hey Steph,

I just wanted to say hi,and Um, last week we had the LGBT Christian group on campus come in and talk to us and just share their experiences and everything with us about being gay and Christian and [what] that's meant to them. It was the first time I really think I've felt like I might be able to understand you and some of the things you've gone through with Dad and I. A lot of what they talked about was being rejected from their community and everything and it made me see how hard coming out to Dad and I must have been. I love you Stephanie, I really really do. I'm really glad that you've come out because, from what I heard, being in is so awful, and I don't want you to ever have to go through what I heard them talking about. I really don't expect a response or anything from you, I just wanted you to know this and that I really am glad for you.

I love you Steph,

Andrew

I am still in quite the state of shock; and not so much because of what he wrote, but because of my reaction to what he wrote. I struggle with feeling sad. It's a feeling that I despise, and for most occasions, I do everything I can to avoid that sad feeling...and when I read his email, I, without apology, balled my tiny little eyes out. I am shocked how the words of a seemingly virtual stranger could make such a difference in my life; how his words make me feel free. My sexuality would look the same with or without his approval, yet, knowing that he CAN and DOES love me just as I am...there aren't words.

Love wasn't one of the values that I was raised in. My parents never said it, they never showed it, and I, consequently, became terrified of it. When I choose to embrace my sexuality, and I choose love over obligation, I was certain that I would further add to the list of things that my family would never understand about me. AND that was true at first. Then my mom came around, and then my extended family gradually offered their support, and now my brother. Though I must admit that my brother's support comes bittersweet, because it highlights that my father will never be apart of that list; that his love and support will forever be conditional on the fact that I live my life in a way that he sees best.

All that aside; the support of family members, no matter how disconnected, is something of true beauty. I think I'm finally starting to see that.