When I was little the only thing I ever dreamed about was working for the church and for most of my life I pursued that dream with great fervor. The technicalities of my dream transformed as I transformed, but the underlining ideal that my life would be committed to the ministry rarely wavered. When I realized that the path that I had so fervently drawn out for myself no longer held any integrity nor was it likely to bring me to any kind of place of righteousness, I decided that it was time for me to leave that dream behind...and I did so with very little guilt and with very little doubt. The ministry was all that I knew, it was my whole life, so when I withdrew from that inclusive environment, I had very little to turn to.
I have spent the last two years rebuilding my life. In many ways, it was like I had to start all over again. It wasn't just my career either; I had to reformat everything. I made myself answer questions like what values/morals could I take ownership of and which values/morals were just mindlessly mimicked? I took career aptitude tests. (They all said that I should be a lawyer; I didn't think that was a very good idea.) I explored new areas of the library. I embraced and acted on what I considered to be uncomfortable thoughts, i.e. I started fucking girls. And then I, unexpectedly, became a woman that I'm really proud of and a woman that I enjoy going home to every night. So...when it became time for me to change my life once again, I did it with the inner assurance that it would be different this time; this time it was about moving forward not starting all over.
I have been an official resident of New York City for three days now! Much of the last few days have been filled with things like standing in the DMV line and getting a new cell phone plan, but none the less, I now live in New York City. There are moments when I feel really sad, I left a lot behind and I don't know anyone here, and there are moments when I've been in total awe. I already feel tired and I'm sure that's not a feeling that's going away any time soon. But more than anything, I feel stoked to get this new chapter of my life going...and it certainly doesn't hurt that there are a ridiculous amount of hot ladies in this city.
P.S. In the spirit of change, I've decided to institute a few new alterations here @ LEZ give 'em something to talk about. You probably already noticed the new layout and I changed my location in the profile. I'm also going to try and post more than once a week; this is the city of innovation and if I want to embrace my new life in the city, I think that means embracing the sorted world of the interwebs.
Peace and Love,
Steph
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