Promiscuous Girl

Recently, I got into a heated discussion with a straight friend of mine. She was trying to casually and lackadaisically suggest that it was time for me to grow-up. While probing her ('probing' might be too soft of a term; it was more like a targeted inquest than a casual query) about what she meant, I came to the insight that she was trying to refer to my sex life. (DISCLAIMER: I met this friend at Bible College and am, most likely, her only friend outside of that reclusive-like environment. I love my friend, but I take most of her advice with a grain of clear-headed sensibility. And while she might consider my behavior *slutty*, I refuse to label myself as such.) I can be a tad-bit promiscuous and I feel no shame in admitting that. I don't have a girlfriend or a venereal disease, so I feel no ethical distress in fucking whoever I want, whenever I want.

While I don't agree with my friend's view, I understand where her thought-process originated from. I have been vocal about the fact that I want to be a wife and a mom, and in a rudimentary way of thinking, if those are the things that I value, then promiscuity doesn't tend to be the path that leads to those things. However, in a more all-encompassing picture, I enjoy being single, like REALLY enjoy being single, and while I would love to have a wife and kids someday, that day is certainly not today. My desire to eventually have a family doesn't invalidate my present-day desire to get laid; and I don't think that those two desires contradict themselves.

It's not just my religious friends, either. I feel like there is a double-standard. That because I can name everyone on the Supreme Court or I can draw you a map of Middle Eastern geography, that I'm not supposed to be promiscuous. That it would be totally fine for me to be *easy* if I was a hot, leggy blond in the entertainment business, but because I'm a well-read, witty brunette in the publishing business, I should be able to control myself. OR it would be fine for me to be promiscuous if my promiscuity was the result of something; like heartbreak or mommy issues or religious repression. (Okay...I was religiously repressed, but my promiscuity isn't the result of that repression. I'm sure of it.) But none of those things ring true for me, so my loose views on sex are interpreted as immature behaviors that shouldn't represent who I am as a woman. I say: Bullshit! I say: Who cares if I find women alluring and then decide to act on that allure. (I think that my Post-Prop8 frustration might be reincarnating itself in this topic.)It's just sex and there is nothing wrong with enjoying it...and just because I don't have a steady partner, doesn't mean I should enjoy sex less than the person who does.

My life is often one big anxiety-fest, so when an element of my life becomes reposed or nonchalant, I embrace it for all that it's worth, because that feeling doesn't come around very often for me. Sex has become one of those things. In all honesty, I don't know how it happened; I don't know how I became able to separate sexual attraction from whole attraction or the act of sex from the materialization of love...it kind of just happened. But am I supposed to apologize for it just because people don't understand it or can't actualize it in their own life or because they think that it's a below par way to act as a woman?

Year of the Stumble

Today is my 24th birthday! and I am officially declaring the year ahead, the "Year of the Indomitable." In many ways I feel like this is my year to conquer and achieve, to actualize the things in my life that previously seemed unreachable, and to relish in the joys that come when you approach life in an unyielding manner.

I think that my 23rd year of life should be most appropriately called the "Year of the Stumble." I truly believe that there is nothing shameful in stumbling; whether you're stumbling out of an extremely difficult time, or you're stumbling because it's dark and you can't find your footing, or you're stumbling simply because you lost your balance. Whatever it might be, or even if there isn't a reason to it, a person who stumbles is a person who doesn't give up; a person who stumbles is a person who fights to gain their balance, even though they know that gravity (or any outward force stronger than ourselves) will most likely take over; a person who stumbles is a person who keeps their feet moving, no matter what obstacles stand in their way. Stumbling should be admired and commended, not hidden and forgotten or worse, treated like a lesser way to live your life. (I'm not saying that I want to aim to stumble through life, but when life gets hard, as it often does, there is nothing paltry or dishonorable in letting go of grace and poise for a moment in order to get your life back on track.)

The above lesson might be one of my favorite lessons learned during the "Year of the Stumble." I am a tiny bit obsessive compulsive (shocker, I'm sure), and my life was beginning to resemble that of a checklist, rather than that of a journey. Checklists can be useful, to take things one at a time can be productive, but I became so rigid in my checklist disposition that I lost sight of the missed opportunities passing me by. I would successfully complete a task on my metaphorical checklist and then move on to the next item, but what I came to realize about that mentality is that it didn't allow for growth; I wasn't allowing myself to reevaluate. If I was walking down a figurative path and then came across a different path, one filled with beautiful flowers that could, perhaps, lead me to an extraordinary view, I would 'tag it' in my mind and then diligently proceed with my current path, forcing myself to believe that I could always come back when I was finished with the current task, but I never actualized that thought. There is nothing wrong with diligence, it is an admirable trait, but I was using diligence as an avoidance tactic...to hide from the fear of advancing down a path that perhaps didn't lead to an extraordinary view. I want my life to be about taking chances and growing into a woman that I'm proud of, not playing it safe and becoming tedious or trite.

This year I also learned to LOVE my sexuality. When I came out, at 22, I embraced my sexuality, but I did not love that I was a homosexual. It was kind of like my feelings on running. I don't love running (I don't hate it, but I don't love it), but I go running because I want to live to see my someday-children grow old. I want to be the best mom I can be and that includes living a long, healthy life...which means getting up and going running. I don't love it, but I do it. In that same fashion, I didn't love realizing that I was gay, but I accepted it, and I even accepted it with open arms, because I wanted to experience the kind of love that moves mountains and I was never going to experience that kind of love if I forced that kind of love with a man. Women make me all tingly inside, men don't; I was well aware of who gave me butterflies and who didn't. I didn't love it, but I embraced it. And then, I started living my life as a gay woman. I came out (read: changed my facebook status...ha, jk, I don't have facebook), I added homosexual "slogan buttons" to my messenger bag, I started reading Portland's gay publication. (Everytime a new issue would come out I would pick one event from the publications calendar and then promise myself I would go to the said event; at first I went to educational events like seminars or book clubs, then I started going to the actual clubs, then I started going to events where you had to have an actual conversation.) I started having gay sex. I started writing a gay blog. And then I started really loving being gay. Having pride is one thing, and I had pride from the very early stages (assuredly because I am so narcissistic), but loving your sexuality is a completely different thing. It is freeing to love who you are. And what I love the most... is that I started loving my sexuality before I loved someone else.

I am not afraid to say that this year has been filled with my fuck-ups. I lost contact with friends I cared deeply about. I closed the door so firmly on Christianity that it will take years upon years to gain any kind of footing back. I spent more than a few Saturday nights at home, only because I, stubbornly, didn't want to hang out with one particular person. I let other people's opinions about my life get the better of me. AND today is a new day! Today starts the "Year of the Indomitable" and with my feet planted assuredly beneath me and a set of values in place to help illuminate my path, I'm ready to get this show on the road. Cheers to what will be a fantastic year!

P.S. Other people with my birthday: John Wayne, the first woman astronaut, and...drum roll please...Stevie Nicks. May 26th is a day that births cool ass motherfuckers.

It's All About Sex(y) Ladies!

It has been quite the dramatic week; so I thought, as an exercise in relaxation, I'd talk about some of my favorite ladies! What could be more relaxing than beautiful women?


Khloe Kardashian
Khloe is the youngest of the Kardashian sisters, but in many ways she takes on the role of the self-assured, accountable one. She is sarcastic and goofy, and she knows who she is and what she wants. She perfectly exemplifies how women can be strong, yet soft and sexy, yet warm ALL at the same time. Her heart is bigger than her fame or her family or her fashion (which, p.s., is totally killer). Khloe first started appearing in my dreams after I saw her PETA ad, which is the most carnally beautiful picture ever taken. Though sometimes outrageous and inappropriate, she has a smile that would make the sun jealous. Not to mention her fantaaastic boobies.



Elisabeth Hasselbeck
I know. I know! I will forever be further blackboxed from the lesbian community for outing my Hasselbeck crush, but I can't help it...she's hot. I don't agree with 93% of the things that come out of her mouth, but at least she has a viewpoint; at least she comes to her exposition from a grounded perspective (unlike a certain someone who sits to her right). She values Homeland Security and traditionalistic families and her views on politics and life stem from those values; those are NOT things that I value, but that, alone, doesn't make her opinion unfounded or stupid. The truth...is that it takes an incredible amount of strength to say what she says in a time when media is as liberal as it is. And her ratings would go through the roof if she were to wear those glasses more often.



Mary Alice (from "Ace of Cakes")
She is yummy!!! and any girl that works with cake all day is the girl for me. (p.s. she's married...to a man) She says things like "flipped a gasket" and "thank you for being the super dooper double plus awesomest ever." She appeals to my obsessive dorky nature, which sometimes makes me forget that she runs one of the most notable cake shops in the country. Her ability to sit down with a client, understand exactly what it is they want, and then relay that vision to the cake decorators, who then produce an impressively perfect cake; well, it's super dooperly awesome and it's a trait that, I'm sure, is fantastic in a wife. And she rocks the Madonna-inspired headset like the rock star she is.



The Supernanny
She is stunning. She has that accent. She's demanding and bossy...it's nice.










Meghan McCain
Meghan has yet to stay hidden from any of my sexy late-night dreams. She is beyond gorgeous and beyond smart and beyond ballsy. She holds her own when in the company of any news-media giant like Rachel Maddow, Ann Coulter, and even Karl Rove. She is incredibly honest; honest about her opinions, honest about the things she doesn't politically understand, honest about the fact that she has a unique, a more free, platform because she's not running for office (and she's been honest about the fact that she has no intention to). Nepotism assuredly played into her career, but she wouldn't still be around if she wasn't smart enough to play with the big boys. More than her refreshingly moderate viewpoint or her fabulously fashionable closet, the thing that I admire the most about Meghan McCain is her amazing ability to welcome the judgement and criticism; she embraces conversation, which is the first sign of a woman who is assured in who she is, yet constantly striving to be better.

A Family Affair

I have a little brother. He and I are only two years apart, but in many ways it's as if we were born decades, if not worlds, apart. We know nothing about each other. We don't communicate. We are as opposite as...well, let's just say that night and day probably have more in common. It's not that we don't like each other; it's just that we don't have a connection and we never did.

I don't mean to play myself as a victim, but in many ways I was the outsider in my family. I was this awkward, dorky, nerdy child who was perfectly content to play by her own rules and my parents didn't know how and/or didn't try to connect with/identify with/understand someone who was perfectly happy operating outside of the conventional box they thought was oh-so important. Somehow, I never let my parents’ disapproval alter my behavior and I continued being my awkward, dorky, nerdy self. When I got older and truly started developing my own personality, I detached myself from "the family unit", it was just easier that way, and my little brother became an innocent bystander. It was never my intention to separate from him, it just happened.

This week I received an email from my little brother. (We haven't talked since Christmas) He is currently studying physics in England...he operates only in the world of numbers and hard truths, and in my experience with him, it's only through these things that he perceives the world. Here's what he wrote:

Hey Steph,

I just wanted to say hi,and Um, last week we had the LGBT Christian group on campus come in and talk to us and just share their experiences and everything with us about being gay and Christian and [what] that's meant to them. It was the first time I really think I've felt like I might be able to understand you and some of the things you've gone through with Dad and I. A lot of what they talked about was being rejected from their community and everything and it made me see how hard coming out to Dad and I must have been. I love you Stephanie, I really really do. I'm really glad that you've come out because, from what I heard, being in is so awful, and I don't want you to ever have to go through what I heard them talking about. I really don't expect a response or anything from you, I just wanted you to know this and that I really am glad for you.

I love you Steph,

Andrew

I am still in quite the state of shock; and not so much because of what he wrote, but because of my reaction to what he wrote. I struggle with feeling sad. It's a feeling that I despise, and for most occasions, I do everything I can to avoid that sad feeling...and when I read his email, I, without apology, balled my tiny little eyes out. I am shocked how the words of a seemingly virtual stranger could make such a difference in my life; how his words make me feel free. My sexuality would look the same with or without his approval, yet, knowing that he CAN and DOES love me just as I am...there aren't words.

Love wasn't one of the values that I was raised in. My parents never said it, they never showed it, and I, consequently, became terrified of it. When I choose to embrace my sexuality, and I choose love over obligation, I was certain that I would further add to the list of things that my family would never understand about me. AND that was true at first. Then my mom came around, and then my extended family gradually offered their support, and now my brother. Though I must admit that my brother's support comes bittersweet, because it highlights that my father will never be apart of that list; that his love and support will forever be conditional on the fact that I live my life in a way that he sees best.

All that aside; the support of family members, no matter how disconnected, is something of true beauty. I think I'm finally starting to see that.

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Yoga

Yoga is an incredibly commercialized commodity; with the $20 classes, and the extensive prop list, and the celebrity endorsements...but yoga is WAY more than a commodity. Yoga, in its essence, is a practice that integrates the entire body, from the inner to the outer. And lately I've been noticing that the things I've learned in yoga are starting to creep into my "everyday" life.

1. Create Intention
Before stepping into a pose in yoga, you're taught to create intention, to engage your muscles in order to increase your awareness, and to be mindful of how your body is connected. AND every yoga studio will tell you how important it is to get to class early so that you can be calm and centered before you begin. I once heard an instructor say, "When you find your mind chattering away, strive to focus your intention and direct your mind on something specific, like a person, or an ambition, or something you want to change in the world." I often find that when I take a few moments in the morning to think about what I want my day to look like, I have a much more productive and optimistic day. And when I find my mind chattering away, I try to take a second to concentrate on something specific and when I do, I always find a renewed sense of intention.

2. Relax
When you find difficulty with a pose, they tell you to relax. And then I get more distressed, because I'm a perfectionist and in my stubborn way of thinking, the solution to working through a difficult situation is to try harder...and then I relax, often by accident, and all difficulty melts away, every muscle reclines into itself and you sink into your breathing and it feels like you could hold the pose forever. I am constantly shocked at how productive relaxation can be. How the simple act of breathing and allowing your muscles to unwind for a moment makes a seemingly impossible task seem completely possible.

3. Take Responsibility
The one thing about yoga is that it is very individualistic. The results of yoga might extend outward, but the practice itself is quite egotistical. Instructors offer inspirational words and friends offer encouragement, but ultimately, your yoga practice is about you. YOU carve out the time to go to class, YOU make the commitment to be mindful of your body for that hour, YOU take responsibility. I don't want my life to be one big egotistical party, but that doesn't mean that I can toss aside the responsibilities I have to myself. I have inspirational and supportive people in my life, but at the end of day, I want to hold myself accountable for my own life.

4. Be Kind to Yourself
One of the first things most yoga instructors will tell a beginning student (or an advanced one) is to be kind to yourself when practicing yoga. Yoga isn't a competitive sport, so you can move as slowly or as aggressively as your body allows. In my experience, when I'm more aggressive in class and I know that my body isn't ready for that aggressive nature, class will be a constant struggle, whereas when I'm kind to myself and I listen to my body and I respond in turn, I have a pleasant, enlightened experience and my next class is that much easier. It's like those Chinese finger handcuffs; the more you struggle the tighter they get, but when you stop trying so hard your hands are instantly free. Offering ourselves compassion seems simple and passive, but in reality, it very well might be the key to setting yourself free.

5. Keep Smiling
I have this yoga DVD, mostly for when I'm too lazy to get up and go to class, and in this DVD the instructor is always telling you to smile. At first I thought it was a little ridiculous, but one day I was struggling with a pose and then somehow that made me think of something funny and I laughed and then, instantaneously, I wasn't struggling anymore. People say that when you extend a smile to someone else, especially a stranger, that smile can make all the difference for them and I'm beginning to see that the same rings true when you smile for yourself. Mother Teresa said it best, "Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."