Dangerous Crossings

I love to be inspired and I come across inspiration quite easily. A simple sentence, a sincere sentiment, or a tiny token can toss me into the throws of insight and illumination without a hint of apology or justification. No matter how many times I feel inspired, it never gets old and it never losses its importance. I rarely think twice about letting a book speak to me. I try not to rationalize contradictory inspirations. I strive to follow my own inspirational road and I don't let myself limit who and/or what I'm inspired by.

I've been inspired by the Bible, Seinfeld, and Breakfast at Tiffany's. I've been inspired by Gandhi, Frances McDormand, the preschoolers in the church nursery, the man who gave birth to his families child and the woman who supported and loved him. I've been inspired by the women who came before me, so that I didn't have to fight to learn. I've been inspired by people who think differently than me, so that I get the chance to learn and to fight for what I think is important. I've been inspired by people that I've never meet and by people who know me better than I know myself. Inspiration comes easily for me, and not always in the most conventional ways, but always in an unrelenting way.

I am also somebody that loves to jump. I am no stranger to, nor am I afraid of, jumping off gigantic (life)cliffs or following a sudden idea without excessive (or if I'm honest, it's often with any kind of) processing and/or rehashing. I like to move my feet and I have a genuine desire to do everything, so naturally I welcome the big jumps. I think big, so I move in big ways; and no mental or physical obstruction stops me from jumping down the next life path.

I had no idea, absolutely NO IDEA, that I was gay until I absolutely knew that I was gay. At 21, I decided to leave the church and to truly figure out, for my absolute self, who I wanted to be and what I wanted to stand for. I decided to embrace every thought that came into my head and to not edit my thoughts or worry about what others would think about the actions that came from those thoughts. One day I was shopping in a department store and I saw this woman and I thought, "Damn, I'd like to fuck the shit out of her!" WHOA. STOP. BACK THE BUS UP. WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN? Immediately I thought to myself, "That is an interesting and unique and unexpected thought, I should pay attention to that." I did pay attention to those thoughts....and three days later, I was a lesbian (and accepting, for myself, that I'm gay is the best thing that I've ever done).

I love that I'm somebody that finds big inspiration in the little things and I love that I'm somebody that jumps into exactly who she wants to be; however, when these two personality traits cross at the same time, it can be dangerous...and by "can be dangerous", I mean its a "DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER" "HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM" "DID HE FIRE SIX SHOTS OR ONLY FIVE?" kind of dangerous. When random inspirations and sudden movements meet, then I'm either jumping into something for the sake of jumping or I don't know what I'm really jumping into or I'm leaving behind things that I big-time value. When I am feeling inspired by Alice B., while at the same time I'm feeling the desire to jump into something, then I'm jumping into pot brownies and domesticated chores and a lifestyle that, frankly, I can't afford. Add to this my very Type-B personality and...well...there isn't much room for stability.

I'll be honest and tell you that I used to rationalize all this by telling myself that I wanted (read:needed) to find a partner that could offer me that stability. When I think about that idea now it makes me squirm, because I don't want to be someone who relies on others to exhibit the traits that I want to value. If I value something, I want to have the strength to exhibit it myself. I can't ignore the fact that it's time for me to become a grown-up, but I also don't want to lose the things that I really love about myself. Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking and dreaming about the future and I want it to be a good future. I want to have a fantastic wife and fantastic kids. I want to be a writer that inspires people to be better. I want to be a genuinely good person. I want to be a grown-up that values stability, without losing my quirky, crazy, chaotic, hyper, neurotic self.

I don't have any answers for all of this; I just know that I want my dreams to come true and that something is going to have to change if I want the chance to live out those dreams.

P.S. An author from the mid-1800's, Henry David Thoreau, (he wrote "Civil Disobedience") is one of my favorite authors and I read this quote by him this week that's been making me think a lot lately...I thought I'd share: "Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something."...yeah, intense right?!