Sick Thoughts

There are a lot of things that I don't understand about life, like... When the dog food package says "new and approved taste," does that mean that someone tested it? or How did Tom Cruise get a Golden Globe nomination for that piece of shit "Tropic Thunder" and James Franco get a nomination for "Pineapple Express", but not one for "Milk"? or Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer; if it's dark you're most likely going for ice cream or vodka, not milk and eggs? and Why is the pharmacy always at the back of the store? I am going to assert that the pharmacy is the worst part about being sick. When you are sick enough to need prescription medication, it is hard enough walking from the car to... well the next car and there is nothing worse than sitting in that uncomfortable plastic chair while you wait for the pharmacist to fill your prescription.

I have been (perhaps this is an exaggeration) deathly sick for the last fourteen days. I am also someone that believes that everything happens for a reason; the universe offers us gifts, even if they do come in the form of vomit and diarrhea. See... for the last fourteen days I have been forced to sleep, watch TV (and read if I could manage), sleep some more, let go of all things stressful, and oh yeah, sleep. Here are five things that I learned while being sick...


1.)When I grow up I want to be Claire Huxtable; the gay, white version of Claire Huxtable. (If you flip to the right channels, you can watch "The Cosby Show" almost 24 hours a day and it is impossible to get sick of this classic television show.) Mrs. Huxtable is the ultimate combination of love, support, humor, discipline, and genuine good nature and if I ever find a woman as funny and good willed as Bill Cosby I'm proposing and/or tying her to the bed posts.


2.)It is always the woman. I watched five straight seasons of "NCIS", a crime show about Navy investigations, and I noticed that 80% of the time the guilty party is the female party. I think that this proves that we still live in a chauvinistic society; even if our sexist way of thinking is unintentional, it's programmed in us. Unless the victim's wife found out that her husband was cheating on her, the woman is rarely the one suspected and is almost always trusted. Let's face it, it is more shocking for a woman to commit the crime than a man.


3.)All I want is to be happy. A few days ago a friend came over to offer some much needed company and made a comment along the lines of "at least now you won't have to worry about packing on those holiday pounds." I am going to assume that the forces at hand didn't have my dress size in mind when they forced me to stay in bed for fourteen days. There is a great quote (I don't know who wrote it, but it was someone cooler than me) that says, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skin in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up and totally worn out, all the while screaming "WOO HOO, what a ride!" I think that this is a fantastic way to live my life. Perhaps it would be nice to not have to worry about an extensive January diet plan, but I have no intention of getting out of bed early (especially if there is a pretty lady in it) to go running or eating only one piece of holiday pie.


4.)I don't like food that comes in a can or a box. My first girlfriend was a chef (I always make the joke that she taught me how to cook in and eat out) and she tried to show me that things are always better if you create them for yourself; if you make your own sauce, it can be catered exactly how you like it. I always indulged her, but I never completely believed it; seriously, what poor college student isn't going to eat food out of a can. After eating canned/boxed soup for two weeks, I have a new appreciation for the art of genesis cooking and have, perhaps, resolved to be more creative in the kitchen.


5.)I enjoy the things that happen in bed. Did you know that if you deprive a rat of REM sleep, it, on average, only lives five weeks; whereas a rat who gets REM sleep lives 2-3 years? Did you know that CNN reported that sleep was the #1 health related problem in America? Did you know that a University of Michigan study in 2004 reported that children with sleep problems were twice as likely to abuse drugs and alcohol as teenagers? (Here's the article.) Sleep is Muy Importante. I have that stubborn trait that makes me believe that because I'm young, I'm also invincible; apparently, it's not true. There are only three things to do when in bed; sleep, read, and fuck. Those are three really good things, so I've been asking myself: Why am I not spending more time in bed? I wonder if the world would be a better place if we all made the active effort to spend more time under the covers. Perhaps this will be my New Year's Resolution.


Folks, the next time you get sick, take it as a gift. Life is short and the universe might be trying to tell you that it's time to take a break from all the chaos. Get into bed and milk it for all that it is worth!

P.S. Behind The Scenes Comment: I might still a little loopy...everytime I would read over the part about boxed soup, I would start laughing because I said box...you know like the slang term for pussy...EVERYTIME!!! In all honesty, I would probably laugh at that even if I wasn't drugged up.