SciFi and Red Stilettos

With the Christmas season coming to an end, I thought I would share an anecdote; however, I couldn't pick between just one, so here are my two favorites.

Christmas Anecdote #1:

While attending a holiday party that consisted of, mostly, art school lesbians, I found myself in the middle of a thoroughly in-depth and very serious science fiction conversation. (It was one of those situations where, towards the end of the night, I found myself with a small group of people in a room separate from the majority, and I couldn't just walk away and join another conversation because I was sitting on the opposite side of the room from the door and I'd have to walk through the middle of this serious conversation to reach the exit and I didn't want to be rude.) I'm not a consistent nor studious scifi/fantasy reader, but I can hold my own in conversations on the topic; that is, unless the topic is space. I don't know what it is about space, but I can't get into it...like Star Trek or Star Wars or BATTLESTAR GALACTICA.

This science fiction conversation revolved around the heated debate of whether or not a prequel, apparently a spin-off show that starts fifty years before Battlestar and will answer how the cyclons were made(I think that's right, I went from memory), was/is a good idea. With the impending conclusion of season 4, and thus the end of the series, approaching in mid-January, this topic was more impassioned than our Rick Warren or sex sans dental dams conversations. Here's the thing that I have noticed about lesbians and Battlestar Galactica; they either hate it or they're a fanatic, there is NO in-between. NObody understands the general idea behind this television show; you either know it all, inside and out, or the only thing you know is that they use the word "frack" and the word is only included in your vocabulary for the sole purpose of making fun of a space-nerdy lesbian. NObody is casually flipping back and forth between "Will and Grace" and "BSG" and I dare anyone to try this while watching BSG with, again, a space-nerdy lesbian. An exception to this is if you are dating a Battlestar Galactica fan and you watch the show to find out what kind of sex you're going to have, because trust me, if your girlfriend is a BSG addict, it will affect your sex life. (They found earth=best sex ever. That spaceship blew up=I wasn't laid for days.)

Christmas Anecdote #2:

The night after Christmas I went out with some friends to dance off all, or at least some of, the Christmas time indulgences and after dancing we ended up at a dive bar on the east side of town. While I was sitting at the bar, I spotted this girl that I had once been set-up with. (In the spirit of Christmas I'll be courteous and say that...it was simply not good, but this girl was/is crazy-pants crazy.) I was not in the mood for civility, so I hatched a plan. If this girl spotted me, I was going to take off running; like sprint for your life, Mufasa running from the stampede take off running. (Even the craziest girl should get that kind of hint.) Well, she did spot me, our eyes met, and I bolted out of my chair...only...I was wearing this fabulous pair of red stilettos...I got a step and a half away and the back of my heel caught the end of a bar stool. BAM! I face planted right into the floor.

Well, this lesbian nut ran over, straddled me, and stuck her tongue down my throat. (I can't, in good conscious, pass up the sexual pun: I fell face first, but somehow ended up on my back...this is, ironically, how most of my lesbian escapades end...hey-ohh.) If you've ever wondered why you've never seen a lesbian in a pair of heels, now you know why! We make excuses about product durability or throw out bullshit lines about a comfort-level, but lesbians don't wear heels because WOMEN ARE CRAZY and we lesbians need reliable athletic sneakers to run our asses in the other direction. If I had been wearing lesbian approved footwear, my bolting scheme would have worked and I wouldn't of had...rabies-incarnate...stick her tongue down my throat. (OK, I don't think that she actually has rabies, that was harsh, but until I feel some sort of sanitation again, I'm going to keep on gargling hydrogen-peroxide.) All-in-all, it did make the bartender laugh, which is always nice, and now I not only have a great story to tell, but also a solid justification for not wearing heels.

Cheers to a great holiday season and a safe New Years.

P.S. I heard that Jay Mohr was going to legally take his wife's name, which is totally cool, but didn't he marry Nikki Cox? Will that make him Jay Mohr Cox?...get it, like "more cocks"...

Prototype Politics

In 28 days, President-Elect Barack Obama will make history and become the 44th president of the United States of America; and I must admit that I am a little sick of hearing the phrase "make history" and all of its grammatical variations. I find it quite ironic that Barack Obama is coined as the man to make history, when, for the exception of one thing, I think that he's just repeating it. (Don't get it twisted...I appreciate the gravity of Obama's election and I don't mean to belittle it...I am merely sidelining race for the purposes of making a point.) I didn't vote for Barack Obama, but that doesn't mean that I don't believe in him. He exudes confidence, intelligence, grace, and poise; all things that bring about comfort and no one can deny that we, as a country, could use a little comfort. I know that the word "change" no longer holds leverage, but I authentically believe that we live in a world that needs change and that Barack Obama is the man to bring it about.

In a 2005 issue of Time Magazine, Barack Obama authored an article entitled, "What I See in Lincoln's Eyes." In it, Obama recalls what he admires about the great president and offers the reader undeniable similarities between himself and honest Abe. They were both young and inexperienced, and they were both criticized for it. They both came from humble backgrounds, were raised by women other than their mothers, and came to political power in the State of Illinois, even though they were not from Illinois. They both wrote best-selling books before their presidency and they both were/are eloquent and impassioned speakers; and it looks like Obama has his heart set on delivering a few more similarities.

President-Elect Barack Obama has not been shy in sharing his admiration for Abraham Lincoln, but I can't help but wonder if his admiration is more about a blueprint than it is a genuine desire to learn from this late, great president. From a 2-Dimensional view, Barack is displaying a Lincoln-esque style, but Abraham Lincoln was about more than style. Lincoln was a man who stood for courage; a man who stood UP for what he believed in. He didn't stand for the sake of standing, he stood because he truly had something to stand for. I hate to be skeptical, but I'm not sure the same applies to Obama...at least not yet.

Last week, Barack defended his decision to invite Rick Warren to pray at the inauguration, stating, "it is important for America to come together even though we may have disagreements on certain social issues...this is a part of what my campaign's been all about." I agree that we need discussion. I agree that we need to listen to one another. I even agree that we need to come together (whatever that is supposed to mean). What I don't agree with is this idea of reaching over opposing lines FOR THE SAKE OF reaching over opposing lines. It is true that Lincoln made friends with his enemies and that his cabinet was made up of rivals, but there wasn't a single person in his cabinet that he didn't 100% respect. Abraham Lincoln might have made friends with some Confederates, but he certainly wasn't inviting them over to make policy decisions.

Barack Obama is a man that walks on water. I'm not saying that he's Jesus, but that he exudes an unparalleled amount of poise. He has that quality that allows him to walk into a room without making waves or disrupting any boats, but I don't think that it's enough. There comes a time when you have to dig your heels in. When you have to ground yourself and stand for something, and you can't do that when you're walking on water. I don't mean to cut down our president before he's even started, but it seems like Obama's more interested in applying the motions of our 16th president rather than the ideals. If Barack Obama wants to exemplify the many amazing traits of Abraham Lincoln, he has to figure out what it is he stands for, and then uncompromisingly stand for that.

P.S. Here is my favorite Lincoln story. One day Captain Abraham Lincoln found himself leading a militia company across a field toward a gate. To his dismay, the appropriate command for marching through the gate utterly escaped his mind. "This company is dismissed for two minutes," Lincoln finally shouted in desperation, "and will fall in again on the other side of the gate!"

Sick Thoughts

There are a lot of things that I don't understand about life, like... When the dog food package says "new and approved taste," does that mean that someone tested it? or How did Tom Cruise get a Golden Globe nomination for that piece of shit "Tropic Thunder" and James Franco get a nomination for "Pineapple Express", but not one for "Milk"? or Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer; if it's dark you're most likely going for ice cream or vodka, not milk and eggs? and Why is the pharmacy always at the back of the store? I am going to assert that the pharmacy is the worst part about being sick. When you are sick enough to need prescription medication, it is hard enough walking from the car to... well the next car and there is nothing worse than sitting in that uncomfortable plastic chair while you wait for the pharmacist to fill your prescription.

I have been (perhaps this is an exaggeration) deathly sick for the last fourteen days. I am also someone that believes that everything happens for a reason; the universe offers us gifts, even if they do come in the form of vomit and diarrhea. See... for the last fourteen days I have been forced to sleep, watch TV (and read if I could manage), sleep some more, let go of all things stressful, and oh yeah, sleep. Here are five things that I learned while being sick...


1.)When I grow up I want to be Claire Huxtable; the gay, white version of Claire Huxtable. (If you flip to the right channels, you can watch "The Cosby Show" almost 24 hours a day and it is impossible to get sick of this classic television show.) Mrs. Huxtable is the ultimate combination of love, support, humor, discipline, and genuine good nature and if I ever find a woman as funny and good willed as Bill Cosby I'm proposing and/or tying her to the bed posts.


2.)It is always the woman. I watched five straight seasons of "NCIS", a crime show about Navy investigations, and I noticed that 80% of the time the guilty party is the female party. I think that this proves that we still live in a chauvinistic society; even if our sexist way of thinking is unintentional, it's programmed in us. Unless the victim's wife found out that her husband was cheating on her, the woman is rarely the one suspected and is almost always trusted. Let's face it, it is more shocking for a woman to commit the crime than a man.


3.)All I want is to be happy. A few days ago a friend came over to offer some much needed company and made a comment along the lines of "at least now you won't have to worry about packing on those holiday pounds." I am going to assume that the forces at hand didn't have my dress size in mind when they forced me to stay in bed for fourteen days. There is a great quote (I don't know who wrote it, but it was someone cooler than me) that says, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skin in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up and totally worn out, all the while screaming "WOO HOO, what a ride!" I think that this is a fantastic way to live my life. Perhaps it would be nice to not have to worry about an extensive January diet plan, but I have no intention of getting out of bed early (especially if there is a pretty lady in it) to go running or eating only one piece of holiday pie.


4.)I don't like food that comes in a can or a box. My first girlfriend was a chef (I always make the joke that she taught me how to cook in and eat out) and she tried to show me that things are always better if you create them for yourself; if you make your own sauce, it can be catered exactly how you like it. I always indulged her, but I never completely believed it; seriously, what poor college student isn't going to eat food out of a can. After eating canned/boxed soup for two weeks, I have a new appreciation for the art of genesis cooking and have, perhaps, resolved to be more creative in the kitchen.


5.)I enjoy the things that happen in bed. Did you know that if you deprive a rat of REM sleep, it, on average, only lives five weeks; whereas a rat who gets REM sleep lives 2-3 years? Did you know that CNN reported that sleep was the #1 health related problem in America? Did you know that a University of Michigan study in 2004 reported that children with sleep problems were twice as likely to abuse drugs and alcohol as teenagers? (Here's the article.) Sleep is Muy Importante. I have that stubborn trait that makes me believe that because I'm young, I'm also invincible; apparently, it's not true. There are only three things to do when in bed; sleep, read, and fuck. Those are three really good things, so I've been asking myself: Why am I not spending more time in bed? I wonder if the world would be a better place if we all made the active effort to spend more time under the covers. Perhaps this will be my New Year's Resolution.


Folks, the next time you get sick, take it as a gift. Life is short and the universe might be trying to tell you that it's time to take a break from all the chaos. Get into bed and milk it for all that it is worth!

P.S. Behind The Scenes Comment: I might still a little loopy...everytime I would read over the part about boxed soup, I would start laughing because I said box...you know like the slang term for pussy...EVERYTIME!!! In all honesty, I would probably laugh at that even if I wasn't drugged up.