Sex-Help

Portland is home to a lot of great things; the country's greatest doughnut shop, the largest number of microbreweries per capita, the first vegan strip joint, and the world's largest independent bookstore. (Baked goods, beer, boobies, and books...What more could a good homosexual girl ask for?)

Powell's, Portland's famous bookstore, spans an entire city block and boasts to having over 4 million books in their inventory, including a fantastic collection of GLBT publications. I was perusing this particular section of Powell's the other day, in search of a book that would offer a VERY young girl the perspective that it wasn't wrong to welcome same-sex thoughts, when I came to a realization...all the books that offer advice or comfort about the coming out process are about sex, or at least include sex as a prominent part of the sexual identification process. This girl is barely a teenager; she doesn't need to know how to perform cunnilingus, she needs to know that she can be happy passing notes to a girl or holding a girl's hand at the movies.

Recently, I had this discussion with my mother. My mother is dating a man who believes that homosexuality is a choice. In relaying a conversation the two of them had about this topic to me, she very quickly asserted that she "stood up for gay people, without a second thought."

"I told him that you don't get to choose your desires or thoughts. The only thing you get to choose is the action. The action is the only point you get to argue"

"You mean sex?" I replied.

"Well, yeah," she said. "You can choose to be celibate or not."

"So if you're celibate it doesn't count? You're only gay if you're having gay sex?"

It is never my intention to place judgment, on my mom or her boyfriend or anyone for that matter, but I think that it's bananas that, in the dominant thought process, being gay is so directly, almost synonymously, linked with having gay sex. There is a great quote by Boy George that says, "There's this illusion that homosexuals have sex and heterosexuals fall in love. That's completely untrue. Everybody wants to be loved." I love gay sex just as much, if not more, than the next carpet muncher, but gay sex isn't everything. I have certainly gone months upon months without participating in gay sex, and I wasn't less of a homosexual in those months. I came out to my parents before partaking in the joys of lesbian finger banging and I definitely didn't feel the need to re-come out after I had done so. I'll tell you a secret: sex is one of the greatest parts about being gay, but it's not everything...so, why do our bookshelves suggest that it is.

It is beyond fantastic that lesbian literature is about empowering woman with the tools (instructional books), ideas (erotica, real life stories), and comfort (memoirs, lesbian fiction) to know that lesbian sex is just as normal/fulfilling/great as straight sex...but what if you're not ready or want more. What section of the bookstore do you turn to then?

Step-All-Over-Me Stickel

Yep...this quip of a nickname followed me around the playground, the cluster of lockers, and even the dorm rooms of my first college. In case you didn't catch the supposedly witty wordplay, the people in my life were trying to insinuate that I was a pushover...I can't deny that it was true. I used to approach every situation with the "yes dear" attitude that I was certain stemmed from a place of respect and goodwill. And while my pushover approach might of had the semblance of integrity, in retrospect it came from a place of covert cowardice and not-so-fantastic self esteem.

I believe that everything happens for a reason and that everything serves a purpose; that every experience, no matter how unpleasant, can be looked at as an opportunity to better yourself or to become more of who you want to be. I think that as long as you have an intentionality about your life, there is never a reason to regret or minimize what was.

When I was 19, I got the "call" to full-time ministry and a few months later I changed colleges and headed off to seminary. I had this overwhelming and undeniable desire to change how the church functioned and I was committed to doing everything I could to empower myself to be the best person I could be for that job. For me, achieving that goal meant getting an education in a place that fundamentally disagreed with who I was, what I believed in, and what I stood for as a woman, as a Christian, and as an individual. As a very smart and suave man once said, "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere..." and I fully believed that placing myself in such a differing environment was the smartest and most effective mode of action for achieving the kind of results I wanted to see.

The school I choose to go to was conservative, to respectfully say the least, and it was also very small. If you were different, or believed in different ideals, everyone knew it. But I didn't let that stand in my way. I left my "Kerry for 2004" sticker on my car. I took on leadership roles in Campus Ministries and lead Bible Studies that the faculty would have disapproved of, if they had known about. I verbalized that I didn't desire pregnancy. I even served as Student Body President, during my second year of attendance, to a school full of people that believed I was damned to hell. I knew that if I was really going to make a change, or even just survive, that my pushover approach to life wasn't going to fly, and I was going to have to grow some balls. So...I did. And it didn't lead to where I thought it would.

Currently, my interaction with religion is nonexistent and my relationship with God might never be what it used to be, and the majority of all of that assuredly came from the fact that I placed myself in such a conservative environment. My memories and feelings about that time in my life are brutally unhappy, but I don't regret it...because if nothing else, I learned how to stand up for myself and to stand up for the person I want to be. That lesson is invaluable, no matter what classroom I learned it in.


In a little over four months, I am going to leave the safety and comfort of Portland, OR, a city I've lived in for 14+ years, to attend journalism school in Brooklyn, NY. There are very few people in my life that think that this is a good idea ... It's not exactly a great time, economically, to leave a stable and career-building job for a move cross-country and it's not like print media is a thriving industry at the moment. I haven't been saving up for a big move. I know very few people in New York, none of whom are reaching success or financial stability. And I know, with everything that I have in me, that this is my opportunity to be the kind of person, the kind of writer, I want to be; the kind of person who doesn't limit her life merely because some people asked her to. This life decision is just about me STANDING UP for what I want my life to look like.

If You're Happy and You Know It...

Florence Margaret Smith, a poet from the mid-20th century, once said:

Why does my Muse only speak when she is unhappy?
She does not, I only listen when I am unhappy
When I am happy I live and despise writing.

It is so true. It's much easier to write when one is lonely, when one is troubled, when one feels anxious to unravel the feelings of isolation and distress...and it's not just the FREE TIME that makes writing easier; when one feels happy and content and exhaustively satisfied, it's hard to display the tension that is so important to a good piece of writing. Historically, the ideal rings true. Emily Dickinson became a crazy recluse with an incestuous lesbian lover. Sylvia Plath spent time in a psychiatric hospital and at 30 (speculatively) killed herself with gas from the oven. The list of cracked-out and tristful authors is quite extensive.

I recently read an article affirming that sad children perform tasks more effectively and with greater detail than happy children. "Happiness indicates that things are going well, which leads to a global, top-down style of information processing. Sadness indicates that something is amiss, triggering detail-orientated, analytical processing," said lead researcher Simone Schnall, PhD, of the University of Plymouth. The great thing about good writing, or good art in general, is that it offers something different, a unique viewpoint that hasn't already been produced. If happiness leads to conformity, well, conformity doesn't lead to good writing.

I've been really happy lately; I'm feeling healthy, I'm on a good path career-wise, my dating life is really hitting the spot (so to speak), and hence, it is becoming increasingly harder to pound out a good blog entry...but I am unwilling to let myself believe that you have to be unhappy to produce great art. (Is it too narcissistic to assume that a blog about lesbian sex is art?) I think that there's a way to get productivity and happiness on board together; that there's a way to be happy and content and to be the kind of writer that creates tension and unique perspectives...I think that it's just about finding that see-saw balance...what-ever that might be.

Up All Night...Reading

There is this assumption among the lesbian community, at least the one that I operate in, that there are no good lesbian fiction novels. While it's true that navigating the Lesbian Fiction isle is a lot like trying to pick out lipstick; you never know what is good/bad until you get it home and try it out, looking at it in the store doesn't ever give you an accurate assessment, and like lipstick shades, there are a lot of really crappy lesbian fiction selections on the shelves, there are some really great selections out there...so, let me offer you some of my faves...

Accidental Love by BL Miller.
Rose, a lonely young cashier, is driving home one night when she is severely injured after being hit by a car. Veronica, a beautiful and very rich woman, happens to be driving by and helps Rose to the nearest hospital and whatever else she can offer. Friendship turns into feelings of love as these well-developed characters fall for each other. Deception underlines nearly every page and it still manages to be one of the most severely romantic lesbian novels on my bookshelf. The big downfall: Nothing is sexy about grammatical errors and the grammatical errors/typos are abundant.

Kiss the Girls and Make Them Spy by Mabel Maney.
James Bond is held in an insane asylum and the secret service needs his help in tackling a plot to overthrow the Queen, so the Secret Service turns to Bond's butch and lazy lesbian twin sister Jane for help. With a little work, they believe that she can pass as James, but Jane's new girlfriend isn't what she appears and things only unravel from there. Um, can we say campy?, but it's the best kind of campy. Jane is a disaster of a character, meaning she's always drunk and doesn't have a job and never remembers the names of the girls she sleeps with, and it's brilliant. It's refreshing to read a lesbian author with some wit and humor and Maney has plenty of it to go around. This book parodies the books by Ian Flemming, not the movies, (which are different) but it's not imperative that you've read the original James Bond books to enjoy this book. This isn't Maney's only James Bond parody and she also has a "Nancy Clue" series.

Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters.
In pursuit of dangerous pleasures, Nancy Astley, a young oyster shucker from Witstable in the turn of the 19th century, falls in love with Kitty Butler, a male impersonator. Kitty's cross-dressing show moves to London and Nancy goes with her as her dresser. Nancy's story follows heartbreak, life as a gay boy prostitute, being kept as a rich woman's "plaything", and her relationship with a socialist social worker, and you are truly taken through London's sexual underground. While I think this book is classified more as "lesbian erotica" than "lesbian fiction," the character development, not the steamy plot line, is what moves this story and what makes this book so compelling; not all good erotica has well-developed characters. The best thing about this book is the unsubtlety: the title, the love interest is named kitty, she works with oysters, the pussy willow tree...it's fantastic.

Six of One by Rita Mae Brown.
Rita is most known for her book Rubyfruit Jungle, which is great, but I find this book to be her best. This story isn't explicitly about lesbians, but I'm recommending it here anyways. The story follows two sisters, Julia and Louise, through nearly a century of their life, with ensemble characters like their single mother, Cora, who works as a housekeeper for Celeste (who is a lesbian) and her lover. This book is hilarious! but more than anything it's about relationships.

The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith.
Published in 1950, this was the first lesbian novel that didn't end in death/suicide or heterosexuality. While this type of ending is more common now, the book deserves its props. Therese is in desperate need of cash flow for the holiday season, so she takes a job at a department store in Manhattan, where she meets Carol. Both women are in straight relationships when they meet, Carol is married with a daughter and Therese is dating Richard, but feelings blossom anyways. Their love isn't without consequence, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't have a positive ending. What I love the most about this book is that it is about romance, pure and simple. It takes the women a while to sleep together, which I find refreshing from my 21st century viewpoint, and the only agenda for these two women is an authentic lesbian love story.

Radclyffe.
This is an author, not a novel, because I couldn't pick just one of her books to recommend. Radclyffe, (not to be confused with the 1920's author Radclyffe Hall, who published The Well of Loneliness, which is a lesbian fiction classic) is a current lesbian author who mostly writes lesbian action stories with really hot sex scenes. She penned the honor and justice series, and wrote a collection of stories about Provincetown. She also has a countless number of romantic lesbian fiction novels and just came out with an edited compilation of the best lesbian romance of 2009. She has won the Alice B. award twice and is the president of the independent GLBT publishing house Bold Strokes Books. My favorite thing about this author is that she really strives to show that lesbian love can be powerful; it doesn't have to be weak or hidden or manipulative or complicated, it can be plainly capable and strong.

HAPPY READING!

Fantasize This!

Would you like it in a house?

Would you like it with a mouse?

Would you eat her in a box?

Would you eat her with a fox?

Okay, I'll grant that Dr. Seuss says "eat it" not "eat her"* but the idea of fantasy is clearly at the forefront of this classic children's book. Sam-I-Am presents his mysterious and moody neighbor with a series of scenarios in the hopes that it will tantalize the unnamed man into trying his "Green Eggs and Ham." The neighbor is rigid in his refusal to try the new treat; however, when he finally submits to Sam's unrelenting pleas, he realizes that he, in actuality, loves green eggs and ham.

I would venture to assume that we have all been in that similar situation...on either side. You/Your partner want to do something, sexually, that you/your partner aren't real keen on, so you/your partner offer sexual ameliorations, like, "Would you do it if we were drinking?" "Would you do it if there was a secure latex barrier?" "Would you want to watch it in a video first?" And often, when we finally surrender to our partners’ desires, we end up enjoying it just as much, if not more. (They say that the average woman that tries fisting goes on to fist at least three more women.)

Fantasies are so important when it comes to developing a fulfilling sex-life. I learned in Psychology 101 that Freud suggests that people who are experiencing sexual fantasies are sexually deprived or frustrated or that they lacked adequate sexual stimulation and satisfaction. I think that nothing could be further from the truth. The ability to fantasize when you are with someone shows a comfort level, a safety zone, it shows that you can fully and confidently be with that person and trust them enough to let your mind wander. The more comfortable I am with someone, the more able I am to indulge my “sexual fantasy life.”

I spent the first 21.5 years of my life immersed in an incredibly religious environment; first in childhood and then by my choice in early adulthood. I was absolutely taught that thinking was sinful; that as long as you focused on what was true, then your mind would be unable to fantasize. I was taught that fantasy was a sign of weakness. As a result, I became a machine. I was so afraid that my thoughts were going to lead to something sinful that I didn't allow myself to have any thoughts, no matter what they were about.

If we teach people that they should limit their thought process, then we are teaching them to limit themselves, and there is nothing more damaging than that. I, so thoroughly, believe that fantasy is a vital part of any meaningful sexual relationship and that if you minimalize any part of your partner, then you are minimalizing them as a person. I don't think that hiding from or limiting your thoughts can ever be useful or productive or healthy. Allowing room for your fantasies, sexual or otherwise, allows you to embrace and indulge in who you are. What's more beautiful than that?

*P.S. I should write that book, "Great Legs and Wham: A Simplistic Guide to Seducing Straight Girls." (Wham, as in, "to hit it"...get it?) The cover would be just like the one pictured here, except it would be a picture of a lady leaning over to look at a table of lesbian sex toys. It would all be done in rhyme and it would use no more than 50 words, just like the original...

Would you? Could you? In a car?
Eat them! Eat them! Here they are!

I would not, could not, in a car.

You may like it. You will see.
You may like it in a tree.

I would not, could not, in a tree.
Not in a car. You let me be.

Stand Up 2 Live

Henry David Thoreau, an author from the 19th century, once said, "How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live."

This week, I don't have anything to say because this week, I've been busy standing up...or in dirtier and more accurate words, getting laid. Sometimes I forget that I need to take time away from my computer pad in order to be the kind of writer that I want to be; the kind of writer that stands up to live so that I can be inspiring and intentive when I do sit down to write. So, instead of sitting here banging out a blog entry, I'm going to turn off my computer...and you know...bang something else.

Valentine's Gay

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