Little Bits

Linus Pauling, a chemist and noble prize winner from the mid-20th century, once said, "The best way to have a good idea is to have a lot of ideas."

So here's a little bit about a few things...

I laugh a little bit whenever a tourist falls on the subway, it makes me feel like I'm a real New Yorker. Why is it that everything that makes me feel like a real New Yorker has to include something bitchy?

I fell in love...with this new blog, Alphafemme. She makes me want to be more honest, more open, more vulnerable; so here is something a little bit honest and open and vulnerable...sometimes I want to fail, just so my parents don't have anything to boast about to their friends.

Why do we say congratulations when we find out that someone we know gets engaged? Isn't that a little bit like saying, "Whoa. You found someone to look at you every morning for the rest of your life. Way to go!" Is finding someone to love us an accomplishment? Seriously, is it?

I recently met this boy...I don't think I want to kiss him, but I've thought a little bit about it. He's very nice.

If you haven't seen the movie Adam yet, a seemingly stereotypical love story that is anything but stereotypical, you should really see it. It's heartbreaking and empowering and funny, and I might have cried...a little bit.

The New York City Department of Health lists more than 20,000 restaurants on their "Restaurant Inspection Information" web site. You'd think that it wouldn't be so fucking hard to find a job. I'm having a little bit of trouble; though, in all fairness, I'm not really trying that hard.

I joined facebook. I'm a little bit scared that it will drain me of my quirky, nerdy, naive charm; be on the lookout for my next post, "How I was raped by facebook."

Health (we don't) Care

Maggie Williams, Hilary Clinton’s chief of staff, once said, “Any time you start down the road of messing with people’s money, they have to kill you,”...well that, or they have to threaten to kill grandma.

It's hard to escape the fact that (American) politics is an incredibly ridiculous process, but lately it feels like the debate over health care has exceeded the limits of absurdity and has well entered the realm of perverse deceit and disregard. There's a lot at stake when it comes to health care reform, so it seems obvious, if not completely understandable, that the conversation has become...colorful, but the thing that scares me about this particular debate is that it seems to be as equally jittery as it is hostile. The amount of indignant confusion that is permeating the health care debate has created a dyad of aggression and extreme anxiety, which has resulted in the materialization of contempt; and that has forced this debate to become less and less about health care and more and more about rhetoric.

The further we get into the health care debate, the more heartsick I become. I have faith in humanity and I believe that no matter how we feel or what has happened, we care about one another...but is it becoming increasingly obvious that we don't? Seriously, is anyone even bothering to listen anymore?

Honestly, I'm on the fence about this health care bill...I assuredly think we need reform, things can't just stay the way they are, but, for one, I don't completely understand Obama's plan (and it's not because I'm dense or for lack of trying) and two, what I do understand seems short-sighted, if not naive...but there is one point of contention that is especially infuriating for me; the argument that health care reform is unethical because conservatives don't want to pay for the abortions that they don't believe in.

I think that it's so infuriating for me, because it feels vaguely familiar.

***(Let me first say this: The opposition to health care reform, that has stemmed because of the issue of abortion, argues that this bill will increase abortions. Do people realize or understand that the number one reason that women choose abortion rather than adoption is because of medical bills? So...it seems to reason that if women had the help and support that they needed to pay their medical bills, to see a doctor, to gain emotional support, etc. it would actually decrease the number of abortions. When did it become ethically acceptable to stop using your brain and just spew whatever tactical rhetoric you think will best suite your agenda? This kind of behavior is certainly unacceptable, yet we hold no one accountable?!)***

As a gay woman, I intimately understand what it feels like to have your voice invalidated because of something that you believe in (for me that's being exactly who are without internal or external judgment), and now those same people, that, for the most part, are the ones abating my voice, are the ones crying wolf; but the possibility that those people will now see things from my marginalized viewpoint seems impossible, and the thing that really gets me about all of this, is that it's done under the disguise of patriotism, but that is so NOT what America is all about.

We set sail because we were tired of being told how to live; we created our own declaration because we were tired of playing by other people's rules; we fought back because we were tired of "taxation, without representation"...but now we've become selfish and stubborn and elitist and completely unwilling to look beyond ourselves, and it feels more and more like we've forgotten all about the things that got us here in the first place.

I'm not going to pretend that I have some kind of foolproof solution to health care reform, because I so clearly don't, but what I do have is the basic understanding that we, as a country, aren't going to get anywhere if we don't start listening to each other. Rather than working backwards and talking over one another and making up lies that just further our own personal agendas, let's try to make health care about...oh I don't know...care!

P.S. I can think of one easy way to expand health care without reconstructing the entire system. Repeal DOMA. Enact domestic partner laws in all 50 states. Seriously! We gays make up 10% of the population. That's two fucking birds with one stone.

Men Are Like...

In my coming out process, I spent very little time in the in between. I was "straight", then one day I had this gay thought, and, literally, three days after that I identified as a lesbian. I had a few moments when I felt embarrassed for myself, but beyond that, I didn't have any sleepless nights or guilt-driven anxiety. (I am a very anxious person, so when I didn't have any anxiety about something that, by all means, allowed for plenty of room for anxiety, I knew that it was the path for me.) As soon as I became aware of that first gay thought, I decided that I would embrace it and be it...and...as self-assured as I was that the lesbian lifestyle was the lifestyle for me, there was still something about men that I was drawn to. I went through all the possibilities: I don't want to kiss him! I don't want to be close to him, touch him, stare at him for long hours into the night, I don't want to share intimate details about my life with him, but still there was something. I came to realize that it was men's clothes that I was drawn to, not the actual man inside the clothes, and forcing myself to discover exactly what was attracting me to men, made me even more certain that I was a big lesbo, because for me, men are like...


1. Cats
You know how cats have six to seven distinct external characteristics, and then after that they all look the same, and you can't tell which cat is which...unless they live in your house. For me, men are like cats. I can tell the generalizing differences between men, but put me in a room full of Abercrombie models and it's as if I'm walking into a screenshot from 101 Dalmatians, it's just not possible that I'll be able to tell one from the other. The only time this 'handicap' becomes a real hindrance for me is when it comes to the movies, especially male-driven drama movies, like Ocean's Eleven or The Departed. I'm always thinking things like, "Who is that again?", "Is this a new character or did he just change clothes?" or "Wait?! Didn't that character just die?" It becomes especially frustrating when the bad guy is pretending to be the good guy or visa versa; there is just no way for me to keep track!


2. Shotguns
Maybe I'm too much of a top, but I can't imagine that making love to a man can be all that exciting. I imagine that men are a lot like shotguns; you pull the trigger, they shoot, you're done. No elaborate sword fights or intricate ass-kicking scenarios, just "Bada Bing, Bada Boom, It's over." But women, ohhhh, women have all of these spots and buttons. Women are versatile and mysterious and often times demanding. I've never shot a gun, nor have I ever made love to a man, but I suspect that both of these things can often feel repetitive and trite, but sex with a woman is anything but commonplace. If men are like shotguns in the sack, women are like complicated math equations, requiring you to submit to ALL the formulas previously taught to you, so that you can adjust and/or refine your approach as you further unravel the equation, leading you closer and closer to that one solution. And much like a complicated math equation, women require concentration, perseverance, intuition, and an unrelenting presence. Anyone can shoot a gun, but not everyone can successfully solve a complicated math equation. ;)


3. The Library of Congress Classification
The English-speaking world has two main systems of cataloging library materials, the Dewey Decimal(DD) Classification and the Library of Congress(LC) Classification. You're probably familiar with the DD Classification, it's the one you learned about in primary school. The LC Classification, however, is the catalog system used by most universities and research libraries...and it makes no fucking sense, at least not to me. Most people, especially those amongst the academic backdrop, suggest that the LC Classification is the more basic, manageable classification and I thoroughly disagree. {**Sidenote: In actuality, the LC Classification is only an enumeration, (like how I used a complicated math term there...see #2) meaning it's really only a way to name things one by one, it's not actually a structural method for organization.**} How are men like this? Theoretically, the Dewey Decimal Classification is the more complex classification, with over 10,000 different subcategories to plot through; however, I find it considerably easier to navigate. Perhaps it shouldn't be, or maybe I've just spent too much time amongst the Dewey Decimal isles to change the classification that works the best for me, but the the DD Classification just makes sense. Much like how I feel about women. Perhaps women shouldn't be easier to understand, and maybe on the surface they seem more complex, but for me, they just make sense. (I don't think that this is like that "if you wanted a monkey when you were little, then you're gay" thing; enjoying the Dewey Decimal System is not a subconscious indication that you're a dyke.)

The Color Gay

Tim Berners Lee, the man who created the World Wide Web, once said, "We need diversity of thought in the world in order to face new challenges" and I think that the same idea can (and perhaps must?) be applied to individuals. Obviously, when we strive to broaden the circle of people in our lives, we broaden the opportunities that life can present. I choose to surround myself with people who think differently than me, who look differently than me, who fuck differently than me, not because I want to boastfully inflate my contact list, but because I love to learn and the best learning often comes when you step beyond comfort.

And I will honestly admit that sometimes those words come easier than those actions.

I recently moved to an area of Brooklyn, NY that has, quite forcibly, provided me with the opportunity (that's the word I'm choosing to use, though the action feels much more hostile than that) to learn a great deal about diversity. I am clearly the only white girl in my new neighborhood; add to that my colorful wardrobe and my semi-posh computer bag and I more than stand out. Most of the time I don't notice, (it is an intensely fun neighborhood with children dancing in the streets, music blaring from the roofs, and laughter lingering throughout the air) but the other day, while I was on the way to school, I got the feeling that everyone was starring at me...and, for that moment, it made me thankful for the fact that homosexuality isn't a skin color. While I am sure that NOT everyone was starring at me, and assuredly if they were, it wasn't generated from a place of judgment, I felt grateful that as a white, middle-class female, I'm not the minority. I mean, I am the minority, just nobody knows that I am.

I think that there is something about sexuality that offers a bit of convenience. Take, for instance, our vocabulary. More so than any other minority, sexual minorities can adapt their vocabulary to their audience, enabling them to feel a sense of ease while still standing true to who they are. If a homosexual is having a bad day and just doesn't feel like standing up or standing out, then they can choose not to. If a homosexual is just too tired to deal with the bullshit of inequality, then they can head home sans harassment. There is this definite sense of convenience. Think about it, what other minority has a closet? (Perhaps religion does, but our country is more afraid of religion than religion is of our country; so while it might technically be a minority, it will never be a discriminated one. Which, don't get me wrong, I think is great. But what makes the gays scarier than the Lutherans?) And what other minority maintains that you can be in that closet (say you're in the closet when it comes to your family) and yet still be an active part (you go to the clubs, you sleep with people of the same-sex) of that minority? What do you think that Martin Luther King Jr. would have said if black people could choose not to tell anyone they were black?

I will assert that while the closet has its protective and comforting appeal, it is the single biggest thing holding equality back. The closet implies a sense of shame, which is clearly counterproductive; and even if your reasons for being closeted aren't shameful, those fighting against gay rights surely aren't going to strive to make that distinction. In some ways I think this makes us stronger, because we do have to actively and intentionally choose to stand up, but that only applies if we actually choose to stand.

I'm not advocating for a universal forehead tattoo here, but we could at least start by holding hands. That sounds nice. Are there any girls in NYC that want to hold my hand?

New in New York City

I believe in the power of change. I think that volunteering yourself for change can open doors that remained previously undiscovered and then, consequently, you can discover things about yourself that remained previously unknown; and I think that the more you discover about yourself, the better suited you are to stand true in the face of involuntary change. It's the cycle of change.

Some people, though, use change as an avoidance tactic, as a way to evade life's current circumstances. People change banks as a way to deflect overdraft fees. They change jobs as a way to ditch an unpleasant boss. They change partners as a way to ensure that they aren't the ones dumped. And when change is utilized as a process for escape, it loses its integrity and becomes a vehicle that transports you farther away from your undiscovered self.

I've been thinking a lot about this blog and what changes it will go through as I go through this massive relocation. And the thing is...I'm not interested in turning this blog into a journal about my new life in New York City. I created this blog for a number of reasons. I wanted to create something in my life that would challenge me to be better; a better writer, a better woman, a better lesbian. I wanted to create something that would offer me accountability and routine and a broader sense of connectivity. I wanted to have a collection of writing samples under my belt, so that if someone choose to offer me an avenue into the publishing industry, I'd be prepared. The egotistical reasons abound, but more than anything, I created this blog because I felt like I had something to say to, or for, the lesbian community, and their allies. My desire to reach out and open up to the lesbian community hasn't changed just because I changed my address, which is why I don't want to bog down this blog with all things N.Y.C.

I also can't deny that New York City is at the forefront of my mind nearly everytime that I sit down to write; so...I've decided to expand my repertoire. I will be divulging my tales of New York City in my new blog http://newinnewyorkcity.blogspot.com. Check it out if you want to see all about my crazy and sporadic NYC adventures.

UPDATE: This blog was really more about being lonely than it was about a genuine desire to write about my adventures...turns out I just needed to make some friends...so it is no more.